Harley's Favor
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy is staying with the Joker and Harley Quinn, and isn't enjoying it. Harley asks both of them to try and put aside their differences by spending a civilized evening together with her. It doesn't take long for tempers to flare and homicides to be attempted, while Harley tries to keep the peace any way she can.
1. Chapter 1

**Harley's Favor**

"Oh, Mr. J! Oh, Mr. J, yes! Harder, Mr. J, harder! Oh, puddin'!"

Poison Ivy groaned, putting her pillow over her ears and trying to block out the noise. This was the third time tonight, and she'd lost count of the number of times this week. She had to hand it to the clown – he certainly had stamina. Astonishing virility in a man of his age. But that didn't make her having to suffer through hearing them any better.

The pillow didn't help – it barely muffled the noise. "Oh God, puddin'! Oh God, that's it! Oh, keep revving, Mr. J! Keep revving up your Harley! Oh, oh, oh, M…Mistah J!" came the scream, and then blessed silence. Ivy sighed in relief and shut her eyes, trying to get back to sleep. It was over.

"Oh, oh, oh, puddin'!"

Or maybe not. With a growl, Ivy turned over and banged on the wall. "Keep it down!" she shouted.

"S…sorry, Red, I…I…oh, Mr. J! Oh God, harder, puddin'!"

The clown was laughing. That was the only noise he ever made, but it changed in pitch and pace and tone sometimes. Harley was the vocal one, the extremely vocal one, and even though she was her best friend, Ivy would have been lying if she said right now she didn't want to put a bullet through her brain.

She sat up with an annoyed sigh. No sleep tonight, again, just like the past couple nights. This whole thing had been a bad idea – Harley's idea, naturally. Ivy had had her own hideout raided by Batman last week, and barely escaped being captured by him. Not knowing where else to go, she sought out her best friend, who offered that Ivy stay with them for a couple weeks until she found a new place and got herself sorted. "It'll be fun, Red!" she had exclaimed. "We can have sleepovers and do each other's nails and gossip while reading trashy magazines! Y'know, really fun, girly, best friend type stuff!"

It had sounded fun, so Ivy had agreed. She bitterly regretted that now. She had forgotten that whenever Joker was involved, Harley had no mind of her own. And probably just to spite her, every night since Ivy's arrival, Joker had needed Harley. All night. Nail painting and trashy magazines were out of the question.

"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley. "Oh, baby, oh God…oh…oh…oh, puddin'," she groaned.

_Please let that be the end of it_ thought Ivy. _Please God don't let them start again…_

"Oh, Mr. J, you're a machine!" squealed Harley in delight. "Oh, Daddy, I've been such a bad, naughty girl! Punish me, Daddy! Harder, puddin'! Oh, God, Mr. J, you're so good! Oh, Mr. J!"

Ivy stormed out of her room and headed down the hall. Harley's voice carried a long way, and the only place where she seemed to be able to get away from it was the kitchen. She entered, slamming the door shut behind her.

She made herself a cup of coffee (instant coffee, naturally, so no plants were harmed) and sat down at the table, head in her hands. Where else could she go? She wasn't on friendly terms with any of the other Gotham supervillains. Well, she was sure if she showed up on Harvey's doorstep, he wouldn't turn her away, depending on how the coin toss went, but how pathetic would that look? Crawling back to the ex. Her pride wouldn't allow her to do that.

But she wasn't sure how much longer she could put up with this. She was irritable from lack of sleep, she wasn't thinking straight, and there was no possibility of her getting herself back on her feet again if she couldn't even get a decent night's rest.

She looked around the kitchen, wondering if there was somewhere comfortable where she could curl up in here. At least it was quiet. Maybe if she brought some blankets and a pillow over to the counter…

She started at a noise she hadn't been expecting. A repeated noise, that reached her even through the closed door. What was it? It sounded like…a whoopie cushion.

Ivy groaned again as the noise continued, burying her face in her arms on the table. That bastard. That evil bastard. He probably thought this was all really funny. Well, she'd show him. She began thinking of all the horrible ways she would torture him before she finally allowed him to die. The thoughts soothed her despite the noise, and she dropped off to sleep with a serene smile on her lips.


	2. Chapter 2

"Morning, Pammie!" came a cheerful voice, startling Ivy awake. She raised her head from the table, wincing at the stiffness in her neck, and turned to see the grinning face of the Joker standing by the coffee machine dressed in a purple bathrobe.

"Sleep well?" he asked her, his grin widening.

"Like a log," she retorted, massaging her neck. "You?"

"Oh, like a baby," he said, smiling. "Coffee?" he asked, handing her a mug. "Freshly brewed from freshly harvested beans. Beans plucked from the warm, comforting earth, that never had a chance to grow into cute little coffee plants. It'll start your day right!"

Ivy glared at him, wondering how funny he would find it if she took the mug from him and threw the scalding coffee in his stupid, grinning face. She bet that would wipe the smile from it real fast.

She had reached out a hand to do just that when Harley skipped into the room, dressed in a red bathrobe. "Morning, Red!" she exclaimed, hugging her. "Morning, puddin'," she murmured, approaching Joker and wrapping her arms around his neck, smiling.

"Morning, pooh bear," he said, smiling and kissing her. "I must say, I wasn't expecting you to be up and about after last night. My little pumpkin's pie took quite a pounding," he said, patting her bottom.

"Puddin', behave yourself in front of company," murmured Harley, blushing but grinning.

"No, it's fine, I heard it all anyway," Ivy retorted. "Glad you decided to use the whoopie cushion, by the way. That was real thoughtful."

"Sorry, Red, but, y'know, sometimes you get in the mood," replied Harley, grinning sheepishly at her. "And Mr. J just loves his toys, don't you, puddin'?" she murmured, kissing him.

"Mmm, especially my little Harley doll," he murmured, grinning. "Now Daddy's going to get dressed because he's got a few errands to run this morning," he said, patting her head. "You be a good girl until he gets back, or he'll have to punish you. You know what Daddy does to bad, naughty, little girls, don't you, Harl?"

"Yes, sir," she replied, beaming.

"Good. So you behave and I'll be back soon," he said, kissing her again and leaving the room.

The door closed behind him and Harley sighed, sinking into a chair. "Ain't he just the greatest, Red?" she murmured, dreamily.

"Harley, we need to talk," said Ivy, seriously.

"Sure, Red, what about?" asked Harley, beaming at her.

"I can't stay here anymore," replied Ivy.

"What? Why, Red?" asked Harley, confused and hurt. "What's the matter?"

"What's the matter?" she repeated. "I haven't slept since I came here, Harley! And if it's not you screaming your lungs out every night, it's all the things he does during the day to get on my nerves! He made coffee today, Harley, coffee from coffee beans!"

"I don't think that's a crime, Red," replied Harley, puzzled.

"But you know he's doing it just to irritate me, Harley," she retorted. "No offense, but he's probably making you scream every night just to irritate me."

"Well, someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself," said Joker, re-entering the room in his undershirt. "Sorry to interrupt, but I think you still have my joy buzzer, pooh," he said to Harley.

"Oh yeah," said Harley, grinning. She fumbled in her pocket and handed it to him. "Hope we didn't wear the battery down," she murmured, smiling.

"Wanna test it, Pammie?" asked Joker, holding it out to her.

"I don't really want to touch it, thanks," retorted Ivy, her face twisted in disgust.

"Well, suit yourself. As a crap tailor would say," he said, grinning. Harley giggled uncontrollably, and Joker smiled at her, then turned back to Ivy who just glared at him.

"Anyone ever told you you're no fun, Pammie?" he said, leaving the room again. "I don't know what Harley sees in you."

"The feeling's mutual," muttered Ivy.

"Look, Red, I know you two ain't the best of friends, but I'd like to think you could try to get along for my sake," said Harley. "You're both really important to me, and I don't like having to choose between you. This is why I was so excited about you coming to stay with us, see? I'm finally surrounded by all the people I love. We're together like one big happy family. I couldn't be happier, Red."

"Well, I certainly could," retorted Ivy. "I want you to be happy, Harl, I really do, but this just isn't working out. It was a nice idea, and I'm grateful to you, but I can't stay here any longer. Not with things the way they are."

Harley thought. "Well, I suppose I could ask Mr. J to gag me," she said. "He does that sometimes, y'know, when he ties me up. Would that help?"

"You're not the main problem, Harley," she retorted. "He is."

"Aw, Red, you never give him a chance," said Harley, frowning. "You're always so determined to think the worst of him. But he's a great guy, really. I love him, so he must be, right? Can't you just try to tolerate him, for me? I think if you just got to know him, you'd change your mind about him."

"I doubt that very much," retorted Ivy.

"Can't you just try?" she asked. "Pretty, pretty please?"

Ivy glared at her. "Will he try?" she demanded.

"Of course he will, if he knows it'll make me happy," she replied. "He's a sweetheart, Red, really."

Ivy nodded slowly. "All right. Tonight, I want to have a girly evening in. You and me. No clown. Just the two of us, watching sappy films, reading trashy magazines, and painting our nails. He stays in his own room, and you don't talk to him, or about him. If both of you can do that for me, I'll stay. If not, I'm outta here. Being in Arkham is preferable at the moment."

Harley's face fell. "But…what if Mr. J wants me tonight?"

"You tell him no," retorted Ivy. "You do know what that word means, right, Harley?"

"But…but Red…you want me to pass up an evening of joy buzzers and whoopie cushions for you?" stammered Harley.

"To prove you care about me, yes," retorted Ivy. "It's the least you can do, Harley. And I won't ask another favor ever again, I promise."

Harley played with her pigtails. "Wow. That's…that's tough, Red. I mean, talk about tough love…"

"Decide now, Harley," said Ivy, firmly. "Yes, and I stay. No, and I go."

Harley nodded slowly. "I'll…I'll go tell Mr. J," she stammered, rising and leaving the room.

Ivy stood up to make some instant coffee. She suddenly heard loud shouting and banging coming from Joker and Harley's room. "Surprise, surprise, he's not taking it well," muttered Ivy to herself.

She heard "Ow…ow…ow," getting nearer and nearer, and suddenly the kitchen door was thrown open and Joker stormed in, dragging Harley cringing behind him by her pigtails.

He threw her forward. "Tell her, Harley," he snarled.

"M…Mr. J don't like you telling me what to do," stammered Harley. "Says it's his job."

"Tough," retorted Ivy. "I'm only insisting on one evening with you. He's had plenty. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Why don't you tell him that?"

"I got ears, Pammie!" shouted Joker, shoving Harley out of the way. "And it's the principle of the thing I object to! Harley is mine! You can't tell me what I can and can't do with her!"

"She's not yours," growled Ivy. "She's an independent woman capable of making her own decisions! And she's decided tonight is for us. So why don't you just take your joy buzzers and whoopie cushions and have a little party on your own? Invite the Bat. You'd probably have a lot more fun with him anyway."

Joker's eyes blazed in fury. He reached into his inside pocket for his gun, but Ivy raised her wrist crossbow and aimed it at his head. "Don't even think about it, clown," she growled.

Joker grinned and pulled out the gun, pointing it at her chest. "Go on, Pammie," he murmured. "Make my day."

They both stood there, caught in a Mexican standoff, for several minutes. Then Harley coughed, coming over to stand in between them. "Y'know, I think there's only one way to settle this," she said, quietly.

"How?" demanded Ivy, keeping her crossbow fixed on Joker.

"A little word I really like. Compromise," said Harley. "See, the way I see it, you're not getting along because you don't know each other. I love both of you, so there must be something that you have in common, something that attracts me to both of you. We just need to find it. And the only way to do that is to put away the weapons and just talk. Just spend a little time together, all three of us. So here's my suggestion. Ivy, we can still have our girly night. But Mr. J can come too. And both of you just try to enjoy your time with me, don't start fights, and just talk, like the civilized people you are. How does that sound? Better than blowing each other's brains out?"

"No," growled Joker. But his face twisted into a grin and he put his gun away. "But it might be worth a laugh, Harley girl. I'm game if Pammie is."

Ivy shrugged, putting down her crossbow. "As long as I get my nails done, I'm happy."

"Great," said Harley, smiling. "Glad we could settle that without any bloodshed. Now why don't you run off and do your errands, sweetie, and Ivy and I will go find some movies to rent?"

Joker smirked. "Okie dokie. Nothing too sappy now, pooh. You wouldn't want your Mr. J to be bored. See you ladies later," he said, leaving the room.

"Aw, this is gonna be a blast, Red!" exclaimed Harley, hugging Ivy tightly.

"Yeah," agreed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Things involving the three of us usually end with a bang. I just can't wait."


	3. Chapter 3

"Harley, Daddy's home!" shouted Joker, slamming the front door. He was almost knocked off his feet as Harley suddenly leapt on him, squealing in delight.

"Hi, puddin'! Glad you're back! Miss me?"

"Of course I did, pumpkin pie!" he said, pushing her off him as Ivy came out into the hall, arms folded across her chest. "I missed you so much, I brought you a little present. I found it in a glass case in the Gotham Museum, but thought it would look better on my little Harley girl."

"Oh, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands as he presented her with a sparkling diamond necklace. "It's just beautiful! You're the sweetest, nicest, bestest guy a girl could ask for!" she cried, embracing him tightly.

"Brought you a present too, Pammie," he said. "To say sorry for all that whole trying to kill you unpleasantness this morning. Forgive me?" he said, smiling as he presented her with a bouquet of fresh cut flowers.

Her glare deepened. "It's fine, Joker. I broke all of your _Three Stooges_ tapes while you were out. Oh sorry, what I meant to say was that they spontaneously combusted without warning."

"Wait, you mean they didn't?" said Harley, turning to Ivy, stunned. "You lied to me, Red?"

"I also got sap all over your new suit," she continued. "Harley doesn't know about that one yet, but I figured you'd notice so I'll fess up to it now."

Joker's grin hardened into a humorless smile. "Harley, why didn't you guard Daddy's stuff?" he growled.

"God, do I have to do everything around here?" she demanded. "For your information, I was setting up for the slumber party! Look, you've both got a little revenge on each other, so let's just call it quits and have a fun evening, ok? Now come on, baby. It's PJ time!"

She dragged him off down the hall. He continued to glare at Ivy until their bedroom door shut. Ivy smiled to herself, then went to her own room to change into her red pajamas. She also dragged out some magazines and a couple bottles of nail polish, then made her way into the TV room.

She took a seat in the armchair, flipping casually through the magazines. She heard Joker yelling at Harley, and more banging as stuff was thrown against the walls. Ivy was sorry Harley was getting the blame for her actions, but the clown had it coming, and she couldn't really feel guilty about it.

She heard the door slam, and a moment later, Joker entered the room, wearing purple striped pajamas, and throwing himself down on the sofa in a huff. "Magazine?" offered Ivy, holding one out to him.

"Those tapes were priceless," he snapped. "Collector's items. You can't find them anymore. I hope you're happy, Pammie, because I'm going to make you suffer for this."

"Uh huh," said Ivy, returning to her magazine and flipping a page. "You're not going to do anything while Harley's here, and neither am I. We promised her we'd try to get along."

"I know she'd forgive me if I broke my promise," he retorted. "She always has before. And anyway, Harley ain't here at the moment."

Ivy locked eyes with him, tense and waiting for him to make the first move. But at that moment, Harley skipped into the room, wearing pink pajamas with princesses on them, contrasting sharply with the diamond necklace she still wore.

"Aw, I just love slumber parties!" she exclaimed happily. "Like the pajamas, Red?" she said, modeling them. "Ain't they terrific? Mr. J stole them just for me."

"Anything for Daddy's little princess," said Joker, holding out his arms to her and grinning. "Come sit on Daddy J's lap, baby."

She obeyed with a little squeak of happiness. "You two are creepy on so many levels, you know that?" muttered Ivy, trying to focus on her magazine.

"Says the woman who's in love with plants," muttered Joker.

"How about passing me a magazine, Red?" asked Harley.

Ivy handed her one, flipping idly through hers. "Tips for dying your hair. I was thinking of doing mine brown, but then I guess you couldn't call me Red anymore, huh, Harley? Where do you get your hairdye, J?" she asked.

"I don't dye it, Pammie. It's _au naturel_," he replied. "I call it acid bath green."

"But you must use something to cover the grey," she retorted. "There's no shame in admtting that, a man of your age."

"You're funny, Pammie," he growled.

"What a compliment, coming from the Joker," she said, smiling at him.

"Y'know, when I was training to be a shrink, we used to study these things," said Harley, glancing through her magazine. "They're really psychologically damaging, apparently, teaching young women that they're worthless unless they can meet the almost impossible expectations the world sets for them. Teaching them to be completely dependent on others without any sense of self or self-esteem. Still, they didn't do me any harm."

"Yeah," agreed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "But I don't mind them really. Sometimes I need a bit of mindless escapism."

"Didn't think you had much of a mind to escape from, Pammie," said Joker, grinning. Harley giggled.

"Good one, Mr. J," she said. "No offense, Red, but it was a good joke."

"Whatever you say, Harley," sighed Ivy.

"Oooh, lookie here, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley. "Fifty Fabulous Positions That Will Drive Your Man Crazy!"

"Already there, pooh," he replied, smiling. But his face fell as he looked over her shoulder at the page she was studying. "I'm not doing that," he said, pointing. "Or that. Or..." He took the magazine from her, staring at it in confusion and disbelief. "I've cut up a lot of people in my time, and I've never seen a body bend like that. I don't think it's anatomically possible. Geez, what the hell's wrong with dames today?" he muttered, tossing the magazine back at Ivy. "Time was you'd tie a girl up, slap her around some, and she'd be satisfied. When did they get so demanding?"

"I ain't demanding, puddin'," purred Harley. "You always satisfy me, my big, bad, strong lover…"

"Harley, come do my nails," interrupted Ivy, laying down the nail polish on the floor.

"Sure, Red, what color?" asked Harley, hopping down to join her.

"Red," she replied, smiling. She continued to read her magazine with one hand as Harley painted the nails on the other.

"Bruce Wayne photographed with four women in a hotel room in Monte Carlo," she read. "Speaking of big, bad, strong lovers, there's a man!" Ivy said, tossing the magazine at Harley. "Bruce Wayne's a hunk of beefcake I wouldn't mind wrapping my roots around."

Harley wrinkled her nose. "Nah, he ain't my type, Red."

"He's rich and handsome. That's every girl's type," retorted Ivy.

"He's too buff. I don't like men with too many muscles. Just one big one, like Mr. J. And I don't like his jaw," she said, studying the picture. "There's something really unpleasant about it. Reminds me of someone, but I can't think who at the moment."

"Geez, Harley, don't be picky," retorted Ivy. "His jaw? When a man's that rich, I couldn't care less about his jaw. But then I forgot who I was talking to. I forgot how skewed your view of an attractive man actually is. Would he be more tempting to you pasty and covered in clown makeup?"

"Nah. He'd just be some pathetic loser trying to impersonate Mr. J, without one tenth the charm or talent," she retorted, turning round and smiling at him.

"My Harley girl is nothing if not loyal," said Joker, smiling at Ivy. "Come to Poppa, sweets."

"No, Harley, finish my nails!" snapped Ivy, as Harley rushed into Joker's arms. "I look stupid with just one hand done!"

"Go on, pumpkin pie," Joker said, kissing her. "Daddy will be right back."

He rose and left as Harley returned to Ivy. "Ain't he just the greatest, Red?" sighed Harley.

"Given the choice, I'd take Bruce Wayne any day," she retorted. "But I forget you're crazy, Harley."

"Well, aren't we all a little crazy in love?" she sighed.

"Would you watch what you're doing?" demanded Ivy. "I don't want red nail polish all over my hand."

"Sorry, Red," muttered Harley. She finished painting her nails just as Joker returned with a bowl of popcorn.

"Is it movie time yet?" he asked.

"It is if you want it to be, puddin'," replied Harley. "We found two we both agreed on, and thought you might enjoy too."

She handed him the boxes. "One's a story about a vampire and a werewolf, and the other is about this great disaster. I'll let you choose, puddin'."

"Well, as much as I love disasters, I haven't seen a good vampire movie in a long time," he said. "Pop it in, baby."

Harley obeyed. "Dead plant, Pammie?" asked Joker, grinning as he held the bowl of popcorn out to her.

"No, thank you," she growled.

Joker smiled, and began crunching loudly on the seeds. Ivy gritted her teeth and returned to the armchair, arms crossed and sulking.

Harley returned to the sofa and cuddled up next to Joker. They all three watched the movie in silence for a little while, the only noise Joker's exaggerated crunching on the popcorn.

"What the hell is this?" he snapped, suddenly. "Where's the mayhem? The blood and gore? The last vampire movie I saw had throats torn out and heads ripped off and dames in tight leather catsuits! Where's all the good stuff?"

"It's not a vampire movie," snapped Ivy. "It's a teenage romance. Just watch it."

"Teenage romance? With that guy?" he said, nodding at the screen. "But he makes Batman look like he has a personality! Speaking of which, why ain't there any bats in this movie? What kinda vampires are these?"

"Will you mooks shut up? I'm trying to listen to what they're saying!" snapped Harley.

"They ain't saying anything! They're just staring at each other! Can't we watch the other one, pooh? At least people must die in that."

"I want to see how this one turns out, puddin'," she retorted. "Although frankly I wouldn't choose either of these wet blankets."

"Funny, Harley, I thought you'd really relate to her, being in an obsessive and dominated relationship yourself," retorted Ivy.

"Yeah, right. I ain't as stupid as that dumb broad," muttered Harley.

"Wait, which one is the vampire?" asked Joker.

"The one who sparkles," replied Ivy.

"A vampire who sparkles? What kinda shi…"

Harley clapped a hand over his mouth. "I said put a lid on it!" she snapped. She listened to the incomprehensible dialogue for a few more minutes, then sighed in disgust and ejected the film. "Yeah, I guess the other one can't be worse," she muttered, tossing the movie into the trash can.

"I was watching that, Harley!" said Ivy.

"Well, me and Mr. J wanna watch the other one," said Harley. "And it's a democratic country, and you're outvoted, Red. Anyway, this one'll be better. It won loads of awards and stuff."

She put the other movie in and returned to the sofa. They watched about twenty minutes before Joker groaned again, burying his face in his hands. "Is this another one of these romance things?" he muttered. "You said it was a disaster movie, Harley!"

"It is, puddin', it just has to get through all this boring crap before we get to the good part," she said, soothingly.

"Well, skip to the good part," he demanded.

"No!" snapped Ivy. "Everything's not always about you, clown! Harley and I are enjoying it."

"Are there explosions? Let's skip to the explosions, baby," he said.

"I don't think it's an explosion-heavy movie, puddin'," replied Harley.

"Well, let's watch an explosion-heavy movie instead," he said.

"We're watching _this _movie!" growled Ivy.

"Maybe you didn't understand me, Pammie," he retorted. "We need to watch an explosion-heavy movie now, or I'll be forced to entertain myself by setting off some real explosions. Starting with the TV."

"Sit down, Harley," growled Ivy as Harley stood up to take the movie out. "We're watching this movie, and if he doesn't like it, he's free to leave."

"It's my house, Pammie," he retorted. "And my TV. I decide what goes on it."

"I'm going to finish watching the movie, clown," she hissed. "Don't try and stop me, I'm warning you."

Joker stood up and made for the TV. Ivy leapt to her feet and kicked him, but suddenly fell backward. Her foot had collided with something hard. Joker chuckled. "Is that a gun in my pocket, Pammie, or I am just happy to see you?" He reached into his pocket. "Oh no, wait, it is a gun," he muttered, withdrawing it and aiming it at her, smiling.

"I said no guns, puddin'!" shouted Harley.

"You try it, clown, and you get a bolt in your eye," growled Ivy, taking her crossbow out of her pocket.

"Ivy! I said no weapons!" shouted Harley, furiously. "This was meant to be a nice, quiet, pleasant evening!"

"Sorry, Harl," retorted Ivy. "But the fact is I hate your boyfriend, he hates me, and that ain't gonna change."

"At least we agree on something," retorted Joker, grinning. His finger tightened on the trigger. "Say bye bye, Pammie."

Harley had had enough. She reached behind the sofa and picked up her mallet, hitting both of them with it violently and unexpectedly and making them drop their weapons as they fell to the ground. "I said knock it off!" she shouted. "I didn't want to do this, but you two have left me with no choice! I hope you're pleased with yourselves!"

She had placed some rope behind the sofa, which she used to tie both of them up, then gagged them, and placed a struggling Ivy in the armchair and a struggling Joker back on the sofa. She cuddled up against him and turned her attention back to the TV. "Aw, who the hell are these people?" she demanded, gesturing to the screen. "I'm lost now! There's no way I'll be able to catch up with this plot! Am I supposed to care about the mean rich guy or the nice poor guy? Why can't they make these things easier to follow? I'll just have to start it over again."

And she got up and restarted the movie. She had only watched two of the four hours of it when suddenly a great crash disturbed her concentration. "Aw, what now?" she demanded angrily, turning to the broken window.

Batman stood there. Harley groaned. "Oh, not you! You're the last thing I need tonight! I ain't done nothing wrong – I just wanted to have a sleepover with my two favorite people in the world! Is that so much to ask?"

"Hand it over, Quinn," said Batman.

"What?" she asked, genuinely puzzled.

"You know what," he retorted.

"No, I don't," she snapped. "I'm just sitting here minding my own business, cuddling with my sweetheart, and you have to make a dramatic entrance through the window! What's wrong with you, B-man? Why do you always have to be so melodramatic, huh?"

In response, he took her arm and reached for her necklace. "Hey, hands off the merchandise!" she snapped, as he ripped it from her neck.

"You can come quietly, Quinn, or I'll be forced to fight you," he muttered.

Harley threw up her arms. "Fine, I'll come quietly! This night's ruined anyway! Might as well end it in Arkham!"

Batman nodded, going over to the Joker and untying him. "Batsy, baby, are you a sight for sore eyes!" he cried. "I could kiss you!"

"And I will," murmured Ivy, as Batman released her. She threw her arms around his neck and pressed her mouth against his. He shoved her away, starting backward, but his eyes narrowed in confusion as he wiped his lips.

"You're not using Poison Ivy toxin," he muttered.

"No," she replied, throwing herself on her knees in front of him and holding up her wrists. "I'm just so very happy to see you, Batman! Please, please, please take me to Arkham! Take me anywhere that's not here! Take me away from them!"

Batman looked at her and Joker, and then back at Harley. "What have you done to them, Quinn?" he asked, surprised.

"I ain't done nothing!" she retorted. "We were just having a slumber party, that's all! But the only way to stop these two fighting is to tie 'em up, so I did. And we were all enjoying the movie quietly and peacefully, like one big happy family, when you burst in."

Batman cuffed Ivy and Joker, and then Harley, dragging her to her feet and away from the TV. "Hey, wait a minute, I was watching that!" she snapped. "I wanna know how it ends!"

"The ship sinks," he retorted. "The guy dies and the girl moves on with her life with another man, but she never stops loving him."

"What? What kinda crap romance is that? How can she say she loves him if she finds someone else after he dies? I'd never find someone else if you died, puddin'," she said to Joker.

"I know, sweets," he replied, grinning. "But not everyone is as special as you are, pooh bear," he said, kissing her.

"Let's go," said Batman, dragging them out of the rooom.

"And the old lady's necklace? What happened to the rock at the end of the movie?" continued Harley as they were led outside into the waiting Batmobile.

"She drops it into the ocean," replied Batman.

"What?! But that thing must've been worth a fortune! What an idiot! And what a stupid movie! You were right, puddin', we should have watched one with explosions…"

Ivy tuned out Harley's endless babbling, smiling serenely to herself as they were driven to Arkham. She was admitted and led to her cell, where she fell down on the bed gratefully, sighing. "Peace and quiet at last," she whispered to herself.

She shut her eyes, but was startled by a sudden peal of laughter in the cell to the left. Joker's crazy laugh continued, and suddenly the cell on her right was filled with the sound of Harley crying. "Aw, puddin', I miss you already!" she sobbed.

Ivy groaned, pressing the pillow against her ears as the laughter and sobbing assailed her from both sides. There was no escape from them, not even in here. No sleep again tonight.

If the whole experience had taught her one thing, she reflected, glumly, it was that she never, ever wanted a family. They were enough to drive anyone crazy.


End file.
